She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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