watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
