Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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