Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
