Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
