Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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