Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
