I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
