Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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