Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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