I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
