You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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