She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
