when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
