matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize