I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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