he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
