A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
