did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You did what with his pubic hair?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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