Your face is a jimmy john
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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