She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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