listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I need water and some morals
Randomize
