How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
