i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
