i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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