you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
