I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
