Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
