I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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