i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
