my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
