shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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