i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
