woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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