That's intense
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
