ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
