If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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