I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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