I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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