i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
