I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize