I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
