we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
