Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
