I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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