I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
