Sponge bath it is.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
