o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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