Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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