the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize