chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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