Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
