you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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