At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
