Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize