I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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