the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
