I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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