please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
