Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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