My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
