I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
