I think I died a long time ago.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
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